Grieving Your Pet - Love, Loss, and Healing
By Meg Hale Brunton
LOVE:
Blizzard was Crystal Pressley’s first real family pet. He was a white boxer that they adopted from a boxer rescue out of Fletcher, North Carolina. From the moment they brought him home, he quickly earned his place in the hearts of Crystal, her husband and her sons. “All the boys grew up with him,” Crystal explains, adding that Blizzard always slept in bed with her son Devon.
Shortly before he turned fifteen, Blizzard’s eating behavior started changing. He began drinking excessive amounts of water, and rarely ate his dinner without vomiting. He also started showing signs of stiffness when he walked. Crystal and her husband noticed that something wasn’t right with him, but things quickly got worse. One evening in March, Blizzard began limping, went out into the yard and collapsed in the grass. Crystal and her family quickly loaded him into their truck and got him to the vet. After being turned away from their regular vet because they didn’t have an appointment, the family took Blizzard to Veterinary Emergency Group (VEG) on Hendersonville Road in Asheville.
The team at VEG got them in immediately and began doing tests on Blizzard. At first they couldn’t find anything wrong with him, but after an ultrasound, the staff was able to see a cancerous growth on his spleen. The doctor discussed treatment options with Crystal and her family, but said that it would only delay the inevitable. The doctor recommended euthanization, since the risk of the spleen rupturing was likely and would be very painful for Blizzard.
The family was taken to a private room with their beloved boxer. When they were ready, the doctor came in and put Blizzard peacefully to sleep, surrounded by everyone he loved. While Crystal recalls that moment as being incredibly hard on herself and her family, she knew it was the right thing to do. “I feel like they tell you when they are ready,” Crystal says of pets.
LOSS:
Dr. Katie Havill is Medical Director at Veterinary Emergency Group (VEG) in Asheville. As an emergency vet, she explains that the staff at VEG sees a wide range of animal injury emergencies due to a myriad of causes from car accidents, to gunshots, and even bear attacks. “We want to make sure we’re doing everything for that patient,” Katie says of veterinarians. “Unfortunately, sometimes that is saying, ‘Your pet is not gonna make it.’ I’m looking out and doing what’s best for the pet.”
Unfortunately, Katie says that they deal with euthanasia often at VEG, more than in general practice. She says that, even though the medical team often feels the same emotions surrounding the death of a pet, it is important for them to show confidence in the medical decisions first and foremost. “It’s hard to put on that face, but we have to still show that confidence,” she explains. “Overall, it’s compassion that we show to the customer and the pet.”
When the decision has been made to put an animal down, the staff at VEG sends the owners and pet to a private room away from the main treatment floor. Sometimes, the vet technicians give the animal a sedative, in case he/she is tense. They make sure the pet and owners are comfortable, set them up a place to sit with their pet on a blanket on the floor, and even sometimes bring them snacks and pet treats. The owners are permitted to stay for hours if necessary, saying goodbye to their pet. When they are ready, the vet talks through the euthanizing process with them.
The animal is given an injection of Propofol to make them go to sleep. Then, the vet administers a chemical that painlessly stops the animal’s heart. Katie says that the process is very peaceful and takes about 30-60 seconds. After confirming that the heartbeat has ceased, the vets give the owners time and space to grieve. They ring a doorbell in the room when they are ready.
VEG partners with a pet crematorium called Agape Pet Services to offer respectful cremation services to their customers. Through Agape, the owners can receive their pet’s ashes in a box or urn. Or the ashes can even be made into a jewelry piece. If the owner does not wish to keep the ashes, Agape has them scattered across a farm in Georgia. If the owner prefers to bury their pet at home, VEG provides them with a biodegradable bag, or cardboard casket.
“We always want to make sure that it goes smoothly for the pet, but also the owner,” Katie says, adding that the staff at VEG always signs a sympathy card for the family of the euthanized pet. “A lot of these owners- I feel like they have the biggest impact on me, telling me stories about the pet. I love to write a little note in the card. We just want to make sure they understand that not only have we made an impact on them, but they have made an impact on us.”
HEALING:
Psychologist and Grief Counselor Samantha Ruth says that, in her experience, grieving the loss of a loved one is in no way diminished by that loved one being an animal. “Whether somebody has a terminal illness and someone is preparing for that loss, or whether it’s completely unexpected, pain is pain,” she explains. “How people cope with it is an entirely individual journey.”
Samantha finds that one of the most difficult aspects of grieving is the judgment that one receives from others who criticize them for not grieving in the ‘correct’ manner. She advises her clients who have suffered loss to grieve in their own way, to do what they need, and to surround themselves with people they feel safe with. She goes on to say that there is no timeline for healing, but that avoiding one’s feelings just makes them more painful to deal with later.
Judgment from others during the grieving process is especially present when grieving the loss of a pet, Samantha finds. She says that, while grief is not discussed and allowed as openly as it should be, the attitude that ‘it’s just a dog,’ makes pet grief particularly problematic. “It shouldn’t be that way; I want it to be treated the same,” Samantha says of pet grief. She adds that people who try to minimize, or mock that grief have never experienced it and don’t understand. “A pet’s love is completely unconditional. They are always there. They don’t talk back. They are just loyal and forever by your side.”
Less than three years ago, Samantha founded Griefhab, which is essentially rehab for grief and includes an online support community for people who are suffering from loss. After losing her husband suddenly almost six years ago, Samantha felt the need to find a community of people who truly understood what she was going through and knew how difficult it was for people to find that in their communities (particularly during Covid). “Grief is just not discussed,” she says in today’s society. “If we were taught things correctly, the world would understand that we’re allowed to take as much time as we need to. That’s how you get through it, even though it makes people uncomfortable.” Three months ago, seeing that there was likely even more need for the same kind of group for people experiencing the loss of a pet, Samantha started Griefhab: For Pets.
“Mental illness, and grief are perceived as negative things, and I want people to reframe that and see them as strengths and superpowers,” Samantha says, adding that any loss, including death, divorce, loss of a job, or even moving, can bring trauma with it. She says that such traumatic events teach us coping skills, and make us more compassionate towards others. “What other people see as negatives, I see as major positives.” Her book, Redefining Ruthless, set to come out next year, deals heavily on those lessons. Samantha also hosts her own podcast on “making noise and breaking stigmas.”
After losing Blizzard, the Pressleys took steps to ensure that he was never out of their hearts, or far from their minds. They had their favorite photograph of him blown up on a large canvas and hung over the fireplace in their living room. They keep his ashes in a box on their mantle, along with a paw print plaque and condolence card from VEG. Crystal says that seeing the tribute on their wall reminds the family of all the happy memories they had with Blizzard. “That helps, seeing that all the time. We gave him a good life. He couldn’t have been any happier,” she says. Crystal continues that she has found that grief is grief, whether you are grieving a person, or an animal that you loved. She says she never realized that until she had a pet she connected with and loved so completely. “They’re always there, no matter what, good or bad. And they show so much love. Until you have that in your life, you don’t know.”
If you are experiencing loss and want to connect with others who are grieving, you can join Griefhab online at: samantharuth.com/griefhab