Filling Your Cup
We all want to have the energy we need to be a great parent. But how can we truly have it? I believe the answer is found in “filling your own cup.”
When I was pregnant, I couldn't stop fantasizing about all of the sweet little moments I would soon have with my cuddly, amazing smelling baby—the laughter and watching first steps, the firefly-filled nights and cozy moments reading in bed. While I wanted to spend plenty of time with my child, I also wanted something else--having time to myself.
We humans are so very good at wishing for what we don't have or no longer have. We are also good at dreaming about what we miss or yearning for what it is we think we want.
And so it goes in parenthood. We wish for every sweet moment and latch onto them, but we also really miss our freedom. Then we often find ourselves feeling guilty about that.
As parents, I believe we should get to have both! We deserve serene alone time and personal space to relax, unwind and refresh.
The question is how? Instead of thinking about what we can’t do, we should focus on what we can. This is about changing our mindset and getting creative about our definitions of time and space. Because after all, if we don't fill our own cups, we will never have enough energy, patience and mindspace to give our children the time, energy and patience that they deserve.
Whenever guilt begins to bubble up I remind myself that by filling my cup, not only am I modeling for my children a different way of being, but I am also balancing myself in order to be the parent I truly want to be. What is more important than that?
Here are the top things I do to fill my cup (and drink from it, too).
Filling My Cup With “Me Time”
Yes, ME time! It sounds like that slippery, hard-to-pin-down friend who can feel like a shadow slinking up on our lives but never coming to join the table. But this time it is possible.
1. First and foremost, I ask for it! And by that, I mean I ask myself. Every morning before starting my day, I carve out a sliver of time to list the things I am grateful for. Then I meditate on my heart and ask it what it wants that day. I don't force an answer. I just simply listen to my heart with humbled and intrigued curiosity. So check in with your body compass and ask yourself what you really would want if you had no barriers. Then find steps to make those needs not only attainable, but effortless and sustainable, too.
2. Name your needs! Sometimes naming my needs comes in the form of prioritizing myself before others. It also means connecting with my body compass so that I can identify my needs with clarity and authority. Once you are able to connect with your true “knowing,” setting loving boundaries with your larger co-parenting partners becomes much easier. To begin, consider what motivates you, and then set the stage to allow the things you need most to happen. Create what I call a “Love Calendar” that focuses on your non-negotiables first before the schedule. Make a list of who you can lean on and for what purpose. First and foremost, prioritize yourself and know that it is actually selfish not to do so. You will see just how much more energy you have afterwards.
3. Reserve Me Time In Advance! Much like booking a flight, one of the easiest ways for me to ensure that I get my time is blocking it out and reserving it in advance. By doing this, I am being intentional about prioritizing this time for myself. Planning time for yourself in advance can make a tremendous difference in future habits of self-care. This includes naming this new routine ahead of time to your children and co-parenting partners so there is no confusion — and so that you get blissful guilt-free space for what you need.
Other Things to Keep in Mind
Remember you are not perfect.
Nor are you meant to be.
No one can really do it all.
But what would the world look like if your best was considered perfection? What would it feel like if you were able to say each night before going to bed, "I did all I wanted and lived my best life today," and truly believed it? I think that in order to achieve this we need to be gentle with ourselves. We need to be aware. And we need to be able to see our faults, blocks, challenges and weaknesses, and celebrate them as opportunities instead of cursing them.
Let’s be kind to ourselves as parents and talk to ourselves as we would to our best friends. Let's remember to breathe and celebrate what did happen each day. As for the things that didn't work out or didn't get done, we have a chance to change them tomorrow.
Keep finding all the ways to fill your cup each day in all the ways that are right for you. Fill your cup so that it may spilleth over.
And that, to me, is how we live our best lives as parents.
Written by Sivanne Lieber from The Joyous Parent (www.thejoyousparent.com)
Sivanne Lieber | Play Enabler & Parent Coach
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Sivanne Lieber is a parent coach, progressive educator, mama and early childhood specialist. But most of all, she is a PLAY enabler. Following nearly two decades in the classroom she now supports children through her work as The Joyous Parent, Sivanne helps parents move from struggle, isolation, and winging it to feeling supported, confident and self compassionate so that they can model for their children who they hope for them to become. Check out her work and join the Joyous Journey on @thejoyousparent on FB and Instagram and www.thejoyousparent.com. And if you like the ideas in this article, join her for her weekly LIVE #fillyourcupfridays on her FB Group Playful Parents on the Joyous Journey or set up a free discovery call to learn how you can work with her!