Intimacy in our fast-paced world. How do we nurture it?
Photographer Credit: Jesseca Bellemare Photography
by Lisa Neville, Certified Relationship and Intimacy Coach
Often, clients reach out to me because they no longer feel a “connection” with their partner. Usually, it is around their sex life. However, after our first couple of sessions, they quickly realize that the connection they had with their partner outside of the bedroom isn’t there either.
So, what is Intimacy if it is not just about sex? The definition of Intimacy is Familiarity. Some synonyms are Belonging, Closeness, Nearness. Now take a moment to think about how these words feel in your body. They feel great! Right?
The Antonym of Intimacy is Distance. How does this word feel in your body? Not so great. Right? Now take a moment to think about the word Intimacy and apply it to your relationship. How does it feel in your body? Does it feel good and make you happy? Or are you feeling empty and sad? I hope you feel good and happy! If not, maybe this will help!
When most people think about intimacy they think about physical intimacy. Did you know there are at least 4 different types of intimacy that do not include physical intimacy at all? So, what are they and how can you nurture them? Let’s talk about them!
Emotional Intimacy involves candid and authentic sharing of thoughts and feelings. How can you cultivate this in your relationship?
Engage in deeper and more thoughtful conversations together, talking about emotions and experiences you don’t usually share with others.
Ask your partner thoughtful questions and be curious about the way they think and feel.
Listen to understand rather than waiting to respond.
Avoid saying things like “Don’t feel that way” or “You shouldn’t feel that way”. Instead try saying, “I totally understand how you could feel that way” or “I would feel that way if it were me in that situation”.
Create an environment that is conducive to an open and honest dialogue between the two of you.
Intellectual Intimacy is created when partners provide comfort with communicating beliefs and viewpoints. How can you cultivate this in your relationship?
Engage in discussions where you and your partner have a different perspective. Make a conscious effort to really be open and listen.
Have a conversation about ideas and abstract concepts like art, education, or social issues you are both passionate about.
Read and discuss a book together. Share your takeaways from the book instead of telling each other what you thought the author meant.
This type of intimacy is about connecting through logic and philosophical conversations. Sharing your beautiful minds with one another.
Experiential Intimacy is shared experiences that can lead to inside jokes and private memories that deepen intimacy between you and your partner. Both of you moving toward a common goal while creating experiences together also establishes a feeling of closeness.
Our memories are closely linked to our senses. If the moment is pleasurable, it prompts the same energy we experienced at that time. How can you cultivate this in your relationship?
Enjoy cooking a meal together.
Schedule a weekly date night, take turns choosing the restaurant.
Plan an activity you haven’t done together.
Each of you has your own separate experiences. You don’t have to collaborate on everything; however, you need to have shared experiences. With shared experiences, your intimacy is interwoven with memories and acquired knowledge for one another. It exists in multiple spaces.
Spiritual Intimacy isn’t necessarily about religion. This is more about a closeness that forms when you and your partner share passionate memories together. How can you cultivate this in your relationship?
Watch a sunrise or a sunset together and marvel in the beauty.
When walking together, hold hands, enjoy the beauty of the world around you and each other.
Try discussing your ethics, sense of purpose and personal definition of spirituality. This deepens your understanding of each other.
Read your favorite poem to each other at night before going to bed. This helps you to relax and feel mutually attuned to one another before going to sleep.
This type of intimacy allows for transcendent connection beyond logic and conscious thought. It helps to be intentional in this type of closeness. Although, sometimes, it can just happen in the moment. Try to find these moments. It could be as simple as looking at the moon with your arms around one another just enjoying the beauty of it all!
Healthy relationships involve relating on many different levels, not just physical. Nurturing intimacy in your relationship takes intentionality. Set aside the time and make your relationship a priority. Even if it is for 15 to 30 minutes after the kids go to bed.
Learning to engage in open, truthful communication, as well as working to understand your partner, helps create the exquisite feeling of closeness that strengthens your relationship. When you cultivate every aspect of intimacy into your relationship everything else seems to fall into place.
“People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize that you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them, and their response is ‘you’re safe with me’- that’s intimacy.” ~Taylor Jenkins Reid
Isn’t your relationship worth it? Mine certainly is. If you are struggling to find the intimacy in your relationship, reach out to me for a free consult. Let’s see how I can help.
