Grieving in the New Year
By Samantha Ruth, Expert Grief & Anxiety Coach, Founder of Griefhab
It’s 2024. The world of AI and the newest iPhone. Sports fans like me are talking about the Super Bowl, March Madness, and the Summer Olympics. It’s a leap year and a Presidential Election year. People are planning vacations and if you live in Colorado, like me, we’re looking at who plays at Red Rocks and when as we plan our 2024. Covid is all but forgotten for most. Not for those who lost someone to Covid. For them, it will never be forgotten.
For me, I do all of this planning, like the rest of the world - but, at the same time - I’m also observing. Like I’m watching a movie of myself and my own life. Jim and I should be planning our ten year wedding anniversary trip for this August. Going into my seventh year without Jim, my husband, my soulmate, my everything - no one thinks about these things that I live with every day. These invisible things that I live with every single moment. And as we enter into 2024.... As we welcome in another year, I watch myself and everyone else doing all of these things. I also watch the world not just ignore grief. I watch the world avoid grief. Actively avoid. I watch the world actively avoid grief. And the people grieving! As if we’ve done something wrong. All the people you’re avoiding have done is lose something. They’re hurting. Most of them are hurting silently.
Grief is invisible. Grief. Never. Ends.
This world believes that it ends, that it’s temporary - because the world just avoids talking about grief altogether. It’s uncomfortable. Newsflash: So are many things in life until you adjust and practice and learn. It’s called life. But because grief is invisible, you only know if someone is dealing with loss if they choose to share their story. And for most people, in this world full of judgments and stigmas, that’s difficult. It’s frowned upon. It takes being vulnerable, something else that’s uncomfortable! Something else that’s frowned upon.
I make it my mission to use my voice and make noise for everyone silently suffering. Because, for us, life is always uncomfortable. Every moment is uncomfortable. Healing involves sharing. I repeat - healing involves sharing. In order to move through the many complicated feelings that are a part of grief, we have to talk about those feelings. More importantly, the only way we can keep the ones we’ve lost with us.... the only way we can keep their memories alive, is by sharing. That might make you uncomfortable. It might bring up your own feelings of loss and sadness. That’s simply not our burden. We’re already dealing with so much, to also figure out how to communicate about grief - which we know makes the majority of people uncomfortable, well- that’s just too much.
So know this: grief is messy. It’s not a straight, clean line from a to z. It zigs and zags, goes up, down, round and round. It has a mind of its own. It’s also different for everyone. What works for one person might absolutely not work for someone else. What works one moment might not work the next. Healing is about gathering many things- for the many, many moments. The waves. The ones you know are coming and you can prepare for, and the ones that show up out of nowhere and surprise you- until they don’t. Healing is about finding people who understand the waves, even though their storm is different. They understand the pain.
It’s scary thinking about letting people in, especially after loss - but it’s so important to find people who truly get it. People who get it without words on the days you don’t have any. People who don’t have any judgements or expectations. Or comparisons! Friends and family love us, but often meet us with the “You look good today,” which carries the comparison of all the days we don’t look good at all. We need people who just never say that. People who meet us exactly where we are - even when we don’t know where that is, or where we’re going. They don’t pressure us. They know the pressure we’re always facing - even to just decide what’s for dinner on some days!
Let the people in who lift you up. Who make life better. Who take away stress rather than adding to it. The people who understand that decisions can be seriously overwhelming. Remember that it’s ok to let go of some people and things, too. I let go of everything toxic. Any and everything that makes me feel worse is a no. If it brings peace or comfort - it’s a yes. It becomes that simple. That’s a really easy way to make decisions and stop going back and forth in your mind. The grief guilt is real and while you’re worrying about whether or not you’re disappointing others, the person who matters- you! is very likely suffering the most. Are you sleeping? Are you staying hydrated? It sounds ridiculous, but how can we manage our complicated emotions if our physical selves are completely out of whack?
And they are. And they will be again. Always go back to the basics. Sleep. Hydration.
Movement. Slowing down. The things no one teaches us! I had an event at the end of 2023, Healing Together Through the Holidays - because the holidays are hard. But so are regular days, whatever those are. The event was in honor of National Grief Awareness Week - because the world doesn’t know it exists.... Yet! But everyone knows about Cinco de Mayo. And hot dog day. Those days are fun. I’m all about fun, but I’m also all about what matters. This invisible population matters. These awareness days matter.
I got so sick of getting nowhere that Griefhab created our own awareness calendars - with all of the awareness dates the world needs to be acknowledging! With in-memoriam artwork designed by kids. It’s absolutely breathtaking - and says absolutely everything! You can get yours at https://buy.stripe.com/ and reach out about special bulk pricing! Please share with everyone and Be Part of the Change! Maybe when you look at it, you’ll remember to call a friend like me who lives alone and has gone through a traumatic loss. Maybe you’ll invite a coworker out to dinner who cares for aging parents. Maybe you’ll be more aware of people struggling, in general. Maybe you’ll ask more questions about their lost loved one and share more memories. Maybe the world will start having the conversations. And these invisible populations will deservedly become seen! Maybe people will be more comfortable talking about their loss and pain. Imagine! Maybe it will become acceptable and normalized. And people will feel comfortable getting the help we all deserve! “Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness; the only cure for grief is to grieve.” ~Earl Grollman
I still feel the feelings every day. I cry every day- but not uncontrollably. I write letters to Jim every day- and I have since the day I lost him. It doesn’t bring him back or make the pain less- But it helps me to continue feeling connected. In this new way. I had to learn lots of new ways. I’m still learning. But Jim is with me every step of the way.
To access Healing Together Through the Holidays recordings, visit:
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/healing-together-through-the-holidays-hybrid-conference
To learn more about Sam, visit samantharuth.com
To learn more about Griefhab, visit samantharuth.com/griefhab
