Not too nice, not too tough: how the Goldilocks Dilemma curtails our power
© 2023, Beverly Jurenko, Inside Edge Consulting LLC
If you’ve ever been in a double bind, you know how uncomfortable it is. Like a dilemma, a double bind creates the feeling that any action we take will be incorrect in some way. Women in business experience a form of this double bind on a regular basis. We feel pressure to be nice, but not too nice, or we won’t be taken seriously. Simultaneously we know we must demonstrate competency, establish our credibility, and delegate effectively without coming across as threatening or demanding. As we walk this tightrope, we try not to go too far to either side. Just like Goldilocks, we must go beyond doing quality work to carefully package everything about ourselves – our mannerisms, our looks, our words, our presence – as “just right.”
Although cultural tendencies have shifted slightly over the past few decades, we still default to the male model when we think of leadership. “While women account for 47% of the US workforce benchmark, they account for just 28% of all executives in the top leadership teams of the S&P100,” reported Gabrielle Lieberman of executive recruiting firm Russell Reynolds Associates in February 2023. The women who are there often struggle with the double bind. “Women leaders are seen as competent, or likable, but rarely both,” says Catalyst, a global non-profit that helps build workplaces that work for women. Males who assert themselves are called “tenacious,” and we all know what assertive women are called.
While it is true that both men and women have been known to cross the line from leading to abusing, our biases push our perception of women over the line much more quickly. To compensate, women expend large amounts of energy regulating how we come across, often constantly assessing what to say and how to say it. We dial back on our ability to be direct and clear, and qualify our written and verbal communications to signal empathy and compassion so that others feel more comfortable. We must do this to be accepted, or else we might be told we have “sharp elbows” and “need to smile more.”
It's not unusual to see women change their demeanor after being told they are too direct. The backlash when women speak up confidently to a male-dominated group can be debilitating. Consequently, we advocate for ourselves less often, can lose confidence, and may even take on more than our share of the “office housework” by doing things like bringing donuts or taking notes because no one else offers to do it, or because it is expected of us. Such tasks do not directly build our portfolio for professional advancement, and when they are doled out inequitably among teams, there are invariably some who gain and some who lose. Being nice has a cost. If we are viewed as being too nice, we are not seen as ready or qualified to be a leader.
Being extreme can be viewed as problematic, but it’s difficult for women to get it just right because what is acceptable behavior can shift and change with little notice. Moreover, because there are fewer women than men in leadership, women tend to be scrutinized and critiqued personally and professionally more than men are. What works one day may be disparaged the next. It's exhausting. It takes an incredible amount of energy to do your job and worry about social isolation among colleagues. Women often find themselves undertaking enormous efforts to build relationships and trust so that their ideas and recommendations will be given fair consideration for their merit. We strive to be approachable so that we will be included in all sorts of social interactions from the chat at the coffee machine to weekend outings with families. Most information sharing happens in informal situations, and if the majority is uncomfortable with us because they see us as threatening, we are likely to be excluded.
If you would prefer women be evaluated based on the quality of our work rather than how often we smile, here are a few things you can do:
Consciously use the same standards when evaluating job performance for across gender. If we don’t care how friendly men are, we should not care how friendly women are.
Be an interrupter. If you hear someone diminishing job contributions of a woman through phrases like “she’s too emotional” or “she’s abrasive,” you can point out how difficult it is to prove such claims are wrong, and how damaging they can be.
Be a leader of cultural change. Give credit when due to women for their ideas, provide space for them to present, and argue for them.
Only by advocating for fairness, one action at a time, will we be able to build a level playing field across genders. When people feel they are being treated fairly, they tend to be more engaged. Maybe Goldilocks had to find what was “just right,” but we can go beyond what we think fits within our norms at present to create new and better paths.